Killing Spree

So I introduced the Impaling Stick idea to a couple of colleagues at work and as is usually the case, it descended into uproar. People were impaling respected celebrities, Gordon Brown suffered numerous agonising deaths, Michael Jackson has got a whole host of new orifices and even the Moon Pig didn't not escape unscathed. It was carnage.

Something funny did emerge though...How about taking it a step further and in the time honoured American 5th Amendment, mans right to own a lethal weapon and purchase ammunition whilst doing his weekly shop for Redneck Beer and steak at the local K-Mart tradition - go on a killing spree...

So, if you were allowed to go on one killing spree, where / who and why would you choose your targets?

Rather disturbingly, one of my colleagues had already meticulously planned his spree out. I'm thinking about checking his car boot for Molotov Cocktails. His target would be Euro Disney of all places. I shouldn't have done, but I asked him why. This opened a door that has still not shut as I am typing this. With some kind of feral light in his eyes he began to explain his plot in great detail:

"Euro Disney. No question. I took my kids there last summer, the whole trip cost me nearly 5 grand. I loved Mickey Mouse when I was a kid and now that my nippers are the right age, I thought they would enjoy it too. Bloody Mickey Mouse speaks bloody French at Euro Disney! So does Daffy, Donald and every other bugger. Whats up with that? They ain't French! I couldn't understand them. The kids couldn't understand them. 5 grand down the crazy."

I can understand his disappointment, but he has taken it one step further.

"I'd need a sniper rifle, 2 molotov cocktails, a smoke grenade and a machete. Oh yeah, and a sawnoff shotgun for crow control."

Crowd control?!?! It gets worse.

"It'd all start on Space Mountain. That was the only ride I went on, so I know the route. As you go around the final corner it takes you past the staff room. I would lob the smoke grenade through the staff room window as I went around the corner, that would flush the buggers out. As I got off the ride I would lob one of the molotov cocktails at Daffty Duck. He go up like a hay stack and in his blind panic, still disorientated from the smoke he would run around catching the other toons. I reckon I could take a few of them out in one swoop. I would run past the staff room and lob the last cocktail in to clear out any of the buggers that tried to hide in there. I'd get away in the smoke and confusion, nobody would be any the wiser. Security have a 3 minute response time, which would give me enough time to get onto the sky train and get off at the hotel stop."

Security have a 3 minute response time?!?! Jesus, how does he know that??

"My room would be on the 6th floor. The odd numbers face out to the park, and the balcony is shaded at mid day, which would give me a perfect vantage point for the mid day parade. I could take out all the princesses, Beauty and the Beast, the Little Mermaid, Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs and that smug git Mickey before my ammo ran out. By this time the alarm would have been raised. I would balcony hop down to the ground floor and pound away with the sawnoff. I would use scatter cartridges, for maximum spread, if a few french people were caught in the uproar, all the better. I reckon I would get a good 2 minutes before they took me down. Well worth it though."

Wow. The guys got issues. Surely. It sounds like he has put some real thought into this! I think from here on in, I'll keep the impaling stick (which now seems hugely tame) to myself.